Sometimes I wonder ‘How will I die?’ and ‘after I’m gone will anyone notice or miss me?’ at times I doubt it. I don’t do much anymore these days or at least it doesn’t feel like I do much other then work and right now I’m unemployed so I can’t even do that. My ability to meet new people seems to be fading. Not sure if its due to all the drugs I had and have been doing or if all the malcontent for humanity and people in general is catching up to me in this sad sad state of being that I have created for myself in these last 27 years on this rock we inhabit and call home. There has to be more. I keep coming back to this time and time again to the point were its become utterly redundant. Cycling back and forth threw the same scenarios over and over. Why are we here? Is there a grand plan or are we all just the products of our own self creation. It is said that life is a learning lesson. Eat, sleep, make love, have meaningless sex, work, take your dog for a walk, check the mail, walk threw the local shopping center, class is always in. But there is no grade no mark no percentage for the lessons we “should be” learning, there is only repeat till you pass. I have ‘explored’ different religions, belief systems and paradigms over these last few years seeking the truth. Born into an atheist family my first taste of conviction came after the age of 5 when my old neighbours started taking me to there fundamentally driven Christ church. I learned a lot from these people that my parents couldn’t or wouldn’t be bothered to teach me. Mostly how and Too defend myself physically, there is where the ‘born and breed to fight’ mentality came into play. At the time I never realized this but the maternal motherly figure of this caring, loving and mixed up family once sat me down and told me after a deep conversation that no matter how angry or frustrated I get she believed that I don’t have a hateful bone in my body. At the time it meant nothing. Skipping ahead a few years to my 17th 18th year I was all about science that was all I believed in. Oh how blissfully ignorant I was in those earlier years, from that spawned the national socialist. At times I regret adopting that paradigm but others I’m thankful. I regret it cause whenever I tell people about it they instantly shun me without listening to reason and I lose the respect of so many, on the flip side I’m thankful cause that is were I truly learned I don’t have a hateful bone in my body. It is undeniable there is good in this planetary reality as much as there is evil and until you have tasted both how can you be anywhere but surrounded and trapped in GREY. Does this grey zone lend you the authority to pass judgement to anyone that sit outside the Grey’s limited tunnel vision. Or is it I who should be passing judgment? No that’s not it, that would mean I’m no better then they are. So I sit here in my rejected state of being faced with an empty loathing for these limited minded monkeys. Maybe seclusion would suit me more. The life of a reclusive hermit verses that of a nomadic adventurer. I know that in only a few years time the world will shake and every foundation, no matter how strong, will crumble not only the sculptures dreams come to life but those of faith and religion will fall. I keep asking myself where do I want to be and what skills and attributes do I want to have when this time comes to a climax. I don’t know but I have to choose and choose soon. But am I too late? Have I dilly dallied too much and missed my calling? It feels as though I have missed so many chances at everything that I have used up all my get out of jail free cards and I’m left in this void to be swallowed up during the transition from the current de-evolved state to the next new state of transhuman evolution. From all my research and experiences threw the years I have come to the conclusion that yes it is true your state of mind combined with your separate thoughts do have a weighing impact on each and every souls lives, but one thing that weighs even more on the mortal mind and soul is each and every individual action we take. For every action there is a reaction. I read on a bill board once 10% situation 90% reaction now this could be taken a few different ways but it is relating to peoples perspective now who is looking at the situation and from which vantage point is the reaction being observed? If its an external observer observing the reaction how are they viewing it objectively or subjectively. The situation is it controlled or chaotic objective or subjective. So many weights. How does one act and or even react in such a materialistic world? Do we seek to be integrated and accepted by the government, the gangs, the law, the popular people that clutter our schools, job sites, streets, halls and malls? Or do we live our lives outside the box deep in the ‘rejected zone’ of non-conformity. I keep asking myself these questions time and time again, however, sometimes I think I know the answers only to find it was a fleeting moment of enlightment only to come crashing down to the doubts and misconceptions of this miserably depressing reality.
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